The Further Adventures of Maobert Nichols, a cranky, middle-aged Siamese Cat who is tormented by his younger brother, Skeezix the Cat whom he refers to as "the wite rat".
Well, I finely got off the roof. I rememberd sum of Jeter Harris' foolproof tekneeks, and they werkd just fine. I fownd owt that at the Derby evrybuddy has to ware a hat, and baseball caps don't cownt. So I "borrowed" one frum Qweenie, and I won't go into deetales, but now I can't ekzaktly ask her to git a pardon for me. (I don't know whut the deel is; she has like a bazillion stoopid hats.)
A cuppul of yoo rekumended I talk to my frend Qweenie abowt gitting a pardun so I won't be on the lam anymore. But she alreddy left Furrginia, so I had to go to Kentukey to see if I cood find her thare. Heer I am on my arrivul:
Qweenie was noware to be seen, so wile I was thare, one of the horse riders offerd to take me owt on a praktiss run. I'd never rided a horse beefore, so I jumped at the chanse. It was vary vary fast. I holded on tite and didn't fall off:
It's a littul hot up heer on the roof. I shooda orderd a mint joolip beefore I wint up heer. Hmmm... and how do I git down?????Labels: churchill downs, horses, kentucky derby, kentucky horse park
Sum of yoo were wundering whut spotted dick was. Heer's the deffynishun. The Food Lady likes to wrap up cans of it and give it as Krissmiss prezints to peepul hoo don't know whut it is. The qween had a can in her handbag becuz she wuzn't shur she cood git it in owr countrey. Heer's ware yoo can reed abowt why they call it that.Labels: spotted dick
Well, I was gonna go ride the swan botes with Lilly Lu today, but then I herd the qween was gonna be in Jamestown, so even tho my buddies Jake and Bathsheba warnd me abowt all the Feds in the Furrjinia area, I took a chanse and wint down to see her becuz then I cood go bak home and glote to the wite rat abowt how I saw the QWEEN and her big honking tiara. Boy wood he be jellus!!!!!
And she reely took a liking to me. She let me sit on her lap and she gave me hed skritches, and she did a pritty good job of it. She even let me look in her handbag, but she swore me to secretsy. I can never reveel its contents. Yoo mite say we bonded. She talked a little like she had marbles in her mowth, but I cood still understand most of whut she sed. She seemed nice enuf. But honestly, she smelled a little like dawgs, so I wasn't 100% at eeze. But she did reemind me a littul of my gramma (hoo also smells like dawgs).
Then, I started batting at thoze silly purple froofy things on her hat and I was asked to leeve.
Labels: is it true that she eats spotted dick, she taught me the royal wave, the queen, the queens handbag
My good frend Kismet invited me to take the Eff-Trayne to vizit him in Brooklin, ware he and Sophie live. I'm not imberrust to say that the Eff-Trayne is probly called that becuz it is Eff-in' scary. It is vary vary vary vary lowd. I thot my eardrums wood ixplode. And yoo have to go undergrownd to find it. It's like this ginormous LOWD steel gopher that tunnuls thru the grownd at a millyun miles an howr.
Once I jumped the gate, I had to go underneeth the grownd to the hole the Eff-Trayne goze thru to git to Brooklin. It is vary stinky under the grownd and thare are vary many lowd peepul hoo all talk funny. The sine sed "Subway" but I didn't see any sanwiches, and I cooda gone for a nice ham sanwich cuz I was pritty hungry. My tale got stept on TWICE and the peepul didn't even say, "I'm sorry" or "exkyooze me."
It took a big leep of faith to klime onto the Eff-Trayne, but I knew Kismet was waiting for me, so I swallowed my feer and jumped abord. This is what I looked like wile I was waiting for the Eff-Trayne to run over me:
Win I got to Kismet's stop, I klimed owt, and his apartmint was RITE THARE! Sinse I'd bin breething in all that stinky air for so long, Kismet invited me to the jungle owtside his howse to kleer my nostrils. It was pritty fun. Heer we are --- I think this is a funny pikcher cuz it shoze how humungous Kismet's booty is:
As yoo can see, he definitely IS a BIG MAN CAT!!!! I was imprest. Sophie duzn't git to go owtside, so it was just the 2 of us guys, hangin' owt. (Wich was kinda too bad, cuz Sophie is reely a looker, but don't tell Kaze.) It was vary fun and vary relaxing. I cood not BEELEEVE how much grass Kismet eets! It's like he can't git enuf of it. He just eats and eats and eats it. Then we wint bak in the apartmint and blew chunks. After that, I was axed to leeve.
Labels: big booty, big man cat, brooklyn, eff-trayne, kismet, kismets hot sister sophie
Labels: extra help, laffin an laffin, life is grate, long island, matsui, new york, yankees
Yoo can biggify this pikcher to see me with my frends Tazo and Earl Grey beefore we wint in to see a Deetroit Tigers game. I can't tell yoo HOW MUCH FUN life on the lam is. I had to help brake owt T and EG frum thare howse to go to the game becuz thare ladey sez "better inside and fat than owtside and flat" wich is just abowt the stoopidist thing I ever herd. But then, I got the Feds after me and I'm livving life on the edje. Anyway, my buds were VARY HAPPY to git owt of the prizzin that they call home withowt having to ware the stoopid harniss and leesh, and so we had a reely grate time woopin it up. We got to ride a mary-go-rownd and a ferris weel. The mary go rownd had tigers insted of horses -- that's my kind of mary-go-rownd! Win we got dun, we hanged owt at the Cigar bar. (But I was disappointed. They wern't catnip cigars like I'm used to.) Thare was even a tiger on the skorebord -- yes, thare were cats EVRYWARE! Heer's the skorebord:
As my good frend Jeter Harris wood say, "Life is grate."
Labels: detroit, earl grey, jeter harris, on the lam, tazo, tigers
Don't tell the food ladey, but I wint to Wal*Mart today. My next stop was going to be Joplin, but my frend Parker convinst me to swing over to Kanzuz City insted. Parker was a lot of fun to hang owt with. (No Kaze, we didn't hang owt in "that way." Parker and me are just "good frends.") I deesided I needed sum noo "on the lam clothes" in case the Feds are on to me. So Parker sugjested Wal*mart becuz yoo can git anything thare, and the Kanzuz City Royals maskot was going to be sining awtograffs and she wunted one. But win we got thare, she was kinda a little scairt of the maskot, so I wint up to git the awtograff wile she wated bak on a bench in the I-kare sekshun. (If yoo biggify the pikcher, yoo can see her bak thare.) After Wal*Mart we wint and got sum barbykyoo. Man, was it ever good! Thanks for a grate time, Parker! I think she mite be reelayted to Bonnie Parker of Bonnie and Clyde, btw!
Labels: i didnt even kiss her kaze, kansas city royals, perfectly parker, walmart
My name is Mao. My full name is Maobert, but I go by Mao. Except when I git in trubble. Sometimes I'm called Maobert Schnickles, which I think is stoopid. I'm dignified. I'm a Simeze cat. I'm lowd. I have a little bruther named Skeezix hoo is the bane of my existence. I call him the wite rat because he looks like a big-eared lab rat. He duz undignified things with me. Sumtimes I get trapped in garages. I like Pitr Pats. I know lots of tricks like shake, high five, sit, git in the box.
Blog contents copyright © 2006 Mao Nichols
